A Man With a Plan
Geplaatst op 31-07-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
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What are your thoughts on older women/younger men relationships? Can it truly ever work – meaning long term, for life maybe? I’m 41, he’s 28. I knew him casually for a year+ before anything happened. I knew he was interested – but he was clearly nervous about it. My original intent was to set him up w/ a friend who was closer to his age. But, he quickly made it clear that he was not interested in that.. at all. He took that opportunity to state what he did want – he and I and no one else. I thought he was crazy!! I resisted for a while – cute as he is – but eventually he won. He wouldn’t listen to the age difference argument – said he didn’t care and doesn’t want to know. I do not look anywhere near my age.
I thought..ok, he is adorable and this will be fun! Admittedly, I did’t exactly treat him very well – he worked so hard to get and keep me. You know how most people will disappoint you? He never did.. he always surprised me – he just got better and better. It ended when he moved away. I knew that was going to happen from the beginning. I thought it would make it easier by having a built in exitThe problem is… I still miss him terribly and no else comes close to how I feel when I’m with him. We still speak, he has asked me to visit numerous times – I have refused. I can’t stay stuck on him forever and want to move on. I am afraid the age difference will become an issue later on.
But maybe, just maybe.. I am wrong….|Age: 42
He wouldn’t listen to the age difference argument – said he didn’t care and doesn’t want to know.
Doesn’t want to know…what? How old you are? If that’s the case, then he’s not nearly as okay with the age difference as he claims to be.
Next, which is it…are you 41 or 42?
Here’s what I think…I think anything is possible between two people who know themselves and are confident with where they are at in life, and know what they are getting in to. Unfortunately, I don’t think many of these much older someone/much younger someone scenarios ever work out for these exact reasons. They’re fun, they’re a great distraction…but ultimately, the life experience and emotional maturity levels are so drastically disproportionate that they end up getting in the way.
The main issue that I have noticed/experienced with the older person/younger person scenario is that one person is used to dating people of a certain age and mindset, and struggle with having to step it up. What a 24 year old might believe or accept is not typically what a 42 year old would believe or accept.
A 24, 25, 26 year old is more ..let’s say…tolerant. A 42 year old doesn’t want words, they wants actions. A lot of younger people are profoundly out of their depths when dealing with a woman or man in their late thirties or forties. We just don’t have time or energy for the bullshit, we’ve seen it, we’ve done it…either step it up, or go home.
I honestly don’t know what to say here. I don’t know if it’s worthwhile to stay hooked on this guy. I know what it’s like to not have a lot of other distractions and hold on to something just because it’s better than having nothing. I get it. That need for attention, that feeling that someone is thinking of you. It makes a difference sometimes. But there comes a point where you have to do a cost benefit analysis. You also have to have an honest and frank conversation with this guy and ask him what he wants and what he can offer. I don’t care how old you are..25 or 45…life is just too fucking short to waste time with all this coulda woulda shoulda nonsense.
If he tells you he wants to be with you, really be with you, then you need to step up YOUR game. Either you trust him or you don’t. You can’t sit around and keep score.
The one hesitation I have here is that, if this guy was so genuinely interested…why did he move away? To me, that sends a distinct “not interested” vibe. He might very well be interested in you and have genuine feelings for you. Or he just thinks it’s fun to dally with an “older woman.” Maybe he likes the attention as much as you do. I don’t know. The only way you will know is to have a conversation and ask him.
I used this example once before but it seems appropriate for this letter. I love the show The Good Wife. The lead character, Alicia, is married. Her politico husband had publicly cheated on her and they were struggling to rebuild their marriage. Alicia went to work for a law firm where one of the partners was her old college flame, Wil. They flirt, they have a genuine friendship. Obviously there are true feelings there. So Will decides to tell Alicia how he feels. Before he can do that, Alicia cuts him off and says:
“What’s your plan? I need to know your plan. I have kids and parent teachers meetings and a husband with a politician. How are we going to deal with this?”
A lot of people like to talk and tell you what they think you want to hear. Or even what they want to hear. It’s the people with a plan that are the ones who mean it. They’ve thought it through, they’ve looked at it from every angle, they’ve weighed the pros and cons. Those are the people you trust.